Journaling is a tool that I am practicing doing consistently to help extract all the noise in my head. Journaling helps me have a conversation with myself to defrag my brain and free up space so that I can think clearer. And as I write, I’ve learned not to judge how I write or what I put on paper. I just let the thoughts flow. For the most part, the thoughts are coherent and make sense, but then there are days where they are racing and are faster than my hand. So, when this happens, I jump from one thought to another without rhyme or reason. This is especially true when I am experiencing a depressive episode.

For the last few months, I’ve been battling a debilitating depression episode where I struggle to do anything. I struggle to fall asleep, wake up, work out, work, eat, speak, shower, change clothes, and even think. Anything I do during this period overexerts me and causes me to feel tired, making everything else more difficult to do.

So, while I am journaling, I am opening myself up more to write down exactly how I am feeling in hopes that subconsciously I can self-examine and observe the depression and be able to find my way out of the dark hole I feel I am in. Below is a page of my journal.

‘What does depression look like or feel like? Well, it feels like you’re annoyed with yourself, work, your boss, coworkers, pets, friends, and the world. But mainly you’re annoyed with yourself because you are stuck with this feeling 24/7 for God only knows for how long.

It took me 3 days to want to shower. I’ve been living on coffee and one meal a day. I keep saying that I am going to get up early, that I must work out, etc. and I do Zero of that. Which all of that (the not doing anything), makes me feel worse. Such a sick fucking cycle.

I don’t know what I can do to snap the fuck out of it. I haven’t been able to do the things I enjoy and want to do. There is a resistance to getting better and I am exhausted.’